The Art of Losing a Baby

I was pregnant, but now I am not. In fact, the 35 in 250 was the list of things I wanted to accomplish before my due date. I’m sneaky like that. I was going to share our news in the coming weeks – I had so much I wanted to articulate about having a second child, becoming a family of four, and experiencing pregnancy for a second time. For now, this post will have to suffice. The art of losing a baby is journey many have endured and it just happened to be our turn this time. Losing a baby – that phrase makes the occurrence seem so flippant and careless.

On Friday, we learned that Baby #2 (as we not-so-creatively had named him/her) had no heartbeat and had stopped growing. My obstetrician felt it necessary for me to undergo surgery that night so Friday afternoon became a whirlwind of paperwork, blood work, and¬†anesthesia prep. The little guy was with us because what originally began as a precautionary appointment turned into “They want to do an ultrasound. Clay, you should probably come in for this.” But thankfully, Weston slept in his stroller for almost three hours while we dealt with the not-so-fun stuff before my surgery.

Due to the nature of the events, I didn’t have much time to process my emotions. To be honest, I was most scared about going under general anesthesia and not waking up. I started to cry at the thought of never seeing Weston or Clay again. I’ve been under general anesthesia before and the practical side of me understood the low statistical risk factor. But I was still scared. So we prayed. Clay was a rock star during the entire ordeal and helped calm my fears while suppressing his own. After dropping off the little guy off with a friend, Clay was by my side when I woke up in recovery and drove us home in my new babyless drug-induced state.

At almost three months, I was just crossing into the threshold when one can exhale. Just a little bit. But I exhaled a sliver too soon. And I am sad. We are sad. But when I look at Weston, my sadness fades a few shades lighter. Regardless of what happens in the future, we are happy as our family of three. Nothing will take away the joy and delight we have in being parents to our son. Not even potty training.¬†Experiences like these are a fact of life. Not a pretty fact, but a fact nonetheless. And as Alan Thicke, Gloria Loring, and Al Burton famously sang, “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have, the facts of life, the facts of life.

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39 comments

  1. I am so sorry, Karen! Been there, done that – in between the 2 girls (did not choose or plan almost 4 years between the girls) Believe it or not, this experience will become just a sentence in your history and the pain fades away after child #2 finally becomes a reality.
    Aunt Sue

  2. What your aunt said is right…this will be a part of your history someday. But it’s hard right now for you, something a lot of us can relate to and remember all too well. Sending you healing thoughts and a big hug.

  3. Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had some healing words of wisdom. I’m thinking of you and your family in this sad time. Hugs.

  4. Oh Karen, I am so sorry for you and Clay. Your attitude(on paper, anyway) seems like a good one to have to get through this grieving period. You are in my prayers.

  5. I’m so sorry for all of this – I’m thinking of you – and wish you strength as you move forward and process all of this. This is so difficult of a time – I know you and Clay will overcome this sadness and be much stronger in the coming months.

    I wish I could help – really, I’d even watch Weston! (and yes, I promise not to pimp him out for a modeling career). :)

  6. I lost a baby too…but then I got Grace…and according to my timeline I got pregnant with her the day I lost my baby which is impossible and we were not trying in the least. It does quickly fade into history but my first pregnancy will always be my first baby.

  7. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you guys. I wish there more that I could do or say to make all of this easier for the three of you.

  8. I am so very sorry Karen. We lost a baby before Connor was born too. No one can ever “understand what you are going through”, but I do know how devastated we were and so you and your family will be in my prayers for comfort and healing. I believe you have the right approach; take comfort in your little guy and your husband. You are blessed. And remember, this is all part of God’s plan. Even though we don’t understand, He does.

  9. I am so so so very sorry to hear this. I wish there were some magic words I could write to take the pain away. But your attitude is amazing and I know you will count your blessings even more now. Your little family will help pull you through this.

  10. I am sorry friend! I am so glad you both have a strong faith to lean on! God will help you through this storm and he will be there to bring you another miracle! Love you!

  11. Karen I am so sorry. Sometimes it is amazing that such joy can turn into sorrow. Though you will not forget baby number 2 I hope you have another blessing in the near future. HUGS Aunt Donna

  12. Oh Karen! I just popped over….had no idea this all was here. Hugs to you and your sweet family. I lost a baby between my two boys. It is heart wrenching, I remember Will climbing into my lap for cuddles and trying to soak that love back into me. I’ll be praying for you my dear, this is a long journey you’ve begun.

  13. No words, Karen, except that I’m so sorry. Although my mom ended up with 5 kids, she also experienced miscarriage twice. Like you, she was sad for the loss, but also thankful for the kids she had. Praying for you and Clay – and for your future. Thanks for sharing.

  14. Karen, I’m so sorry…This shocked me when I read it and I just wish I could give you a hug. You are such a strong woman and you keep amazing me with your attitude through life. Please know that I’m thinking about you and Clay. xoxo

  15. I’m so sorry for your loss, Karen. I pray that when you decide that you’re ready again that you will be blessed with a healthy pregnancy and baby.

  16. Hi Karen,
    I know I never comment, but I love your blog. I hadn’t read it for a while and I just read this post. I am so sorry to hear of your family’s news. I also read your faith blog and I admire your spirit about this loss. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family (including baby #2). I can’t imagine what you are going through, but hold tight to Weston and Clay. From what I’ve learned, love heals pain and even though I’ve never met them, your family seems full of love.
    Terese

  17. Karen, I just read this and wanted to let you know that I am very sorry to hear this… I looked at what my mom wrote and the first thing that came to my mind is that when #2 comes, as he or she is patiently waiting for… they will be truly unique for they fought even harder for their place in this world.

  18. Hi Karen!!

    Reading this post, makes me feel so blessed that I ve known you (May be thru just this one post). Im not a mother yet & waiting to be there sometime, dunno when…
    I loved your attitude of gratitude when you write’ Nothing will take away the joy and delight we have in being parents to our son’!!

    Nothing more, just sending you love & feeling happy that I know you now..

    Luv,
    Shraddha

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