Driving in Northern New York

I have lived in northern New York for over a year now and during my time I have developed a set of rules for use when driving in and around the Watertown/Fort Drum area…

NORTHERN NEW YORK DRIVING RULES

  • Please, if at all possible, do not use your turn signal. It is best to let other drivers experience the surprise and anticipation of what you are planning to do next.
  • When you change lanes, please try to be talking on a cell phone…if you smoke, have a cigarette in your free hand. If you drive a stick shift, rest the cell phone on your shoulder as you shift gears while changing lanes…your cigarette should be hanging out of your mouth as you yell obscenities to those honking at you because you failed to use a turn signal.
  • Your New York Yankees car decal should take up the majority of your rear window…if you can see clearly behind you when looking in the rear-view mirror, your car detail is not big enough.
  • If the speed limit is 55mph, it is advised that you either go 50mph (or below) or drive 75mph (or higher). Any speed between 50mph and 75 mph is unacceptable and you are guaranteed to get passed on a dotted-line highway.
  • When going below the speed limit on a dotted-line highway and you are passed, give a look of genuine surprise to the driver of the passing car.
  • When making a right hand turn off a highway, come to an almost complete-stop before turning extremely slow into the parking lot. This ensures that the traffic behind you will have to slow down from a speed of 55mph (or below) or 75mph (or below). It is best to ignore the swear words and hand gestures directed your way.
  • When in a parking lot, drive around for at least 15 minutes in attempt to find the closest space available. If you do park in a spot located at the back of the parking lot…you will more than likely receive quite a few looks from people waddling into the store.
  • A motto to live by in Northern New York…you can NEVER have enough “Calvin pissing” window stickers…they only add to your class and sophistication.

* Originally posted at The Sour Patch Kid Experiment (deleted 2007) on June 19, 2006.

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