I am writing this entry on my lunch hour because I have to. In the past, I have not used my blog as a ‘livejournal’ and I still do not have that intention. However, today I find myself needing to let go of some thoughts and simply writing them in my personal journal is not enough. One my favorite fellow ‘Army Wife’ blogs is My Longest Yearand her most recent post captured my current thoughts and put them into legible and constructive sentences.
I am allowing myself to become consumed by the deployment. As the situation grows more and more dire in Afghanistan, I am finding it harder and harder to remain upbeat and positive about Clay being over there. Communication has been terrible as of late and averaging an email once a week (I know, it could be a lot worse) and no phone calls. Clay’s voice is still on our answering machine message and when I hit low points at work, I call home just to remember what his voice sounds like. His t-shirts no longer smell like him and I find myself spraying his cologne on the pillow next to me just to get through the night. Just recently I started to experience nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat and I have been having dreams so ‘real’ that I wake up expecting him to be sleeping beside me. My ever-present optimistic self allows me to believe for a nano-second that he is back and my dream was real, only to be met with pure disillusionment and frustration when looking at the empty pillow.
My performance at work is suffering due to my declining attitude and poor outlook. I am required to help clients with their ‘problems’ and complaints that seem trivial and meaningless to me. Everybody has their own issues to deal with and I just have to remind myself that what may seem trivial to me may mean the world to someone else.
I have faith that I will get through this. R&R is slowly approaching and is starting to become a goal within sight.
This to shall pass…..
* Originally posted at The Sour Patch Kid Experiment (deleted 2007) on September 14, 2006.