I was pregnant, but now I am not. In fact, the 35 in 250 was the list of things I wanted to accomplish before my due date. I’m sneaky like that. I was going to share our news in the coming weeks – I had so much I wanted to articulate about having a second child, becoming a family of four, and experiencing pregnancy for a second time. For now, this post will have to suffice. The art of losing a baby is journey many have endured and it just happened to be our turn this time. Losing a baby – that phrase makes the occurrence seem so flippant and careless.
On Friday, we learned that Baby #2 (as we not-so-creatively had named him/her) had no heartbeat and had stopped growing. My obstetrician felt it necessary for me to undergo surgery that night so Friday afternoon became a whirlwind of paperwork, blood work, and anesthesia prep. The little guy was with us because what originally began as a precautionary appointment turned into “They want to do an ultrasound. Clay, you should probably come in for this.” But thankfully, Weston slept in his stroller for almost three hours while we dealt with the not-so-fun stuff before my surgery.
Due to the nature of the events, I didn’t have much time to process my emotions. To be honest, I was most scared about going under general anesthesia and not waking up. I started to cry at the thought of never seeing Weston or Clay again. I’ve been under general anesthesia before and the practical side of me understood the low statistical risk factor. But I was still scared. So we prayed. Clay was a rock star during the entire ordeal and helped calm my fears while suppressing his own. After dropping off the little guy off with a friend, Clay was by my side when I woke up in recovery and drove us home in my new babyless drug-induced state.
At almost three months, I was just crossing into the threshold when one can exhale. Just a little bit. But I exhaled a sliver too soon. And I am sad. We are sad. But when I look at Weston, my sadness fades a few shades lighter. Regardless of what happens in the future, we are happy as our family of three. Nothing will take away the joy and delight we have in being parents to our son. Not even potty training. Experiences like these are a fact of life. Not a pretty fact, but a fact nonetheless. And as Alan Thicke, Gloria Loring, and Al Burton famously sang, “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have, the facts of life, the facts of life.“