So Tulsa, Oklahoma it is. Pretty crazy, right? The PCS is coming up fast – we meet with the property management company this afternoon about putting our house on the rental market. When we bought this house in January, we did so knowing that we would keep it as a rental property when we left Ft. Sill…we just didn’t think it would be this soon! C’est la vie, right? That phrase and and the english counterpart pepper my vocabulary enough to probably teeter on over use, but I can’t help myself – so many events in my life can be summed up with a simple c’est la vie.
Such is life – I have said it a lot over the past month. And I’ve also been humming Oh Sweet Nuthin by The Velvet Underground. When I was pregnant with Weston, Clay and I went to the theater to see Away We Go, a film starring John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph as Burt and Verona, a couple expecting their first child. One scene involved Melanie Lynskey’s character dancing in a melancholy trance in front of a band playing Oh Sweet Nuthin as her husband explains to Burt and Verona that she suffered another miscarriage. Maybe it was because I was six months pregnant at the time, but that particular scene has stuck with me for years. And what was once just another Lou Reed song became associated with loss. And it has been playing on loop in my head during the quiet times of my days and nights.
It has been a little under a month since we lost the baby. Physically I am fine. And I like to think that I am fine emotionally as well. I know this process takes time and that one day the experience will be just a little blip in our story. However, there are times when I am overwhelmed by being back at square one with nothing to show for the all the months of trying and eventual pregnancy – nothing except a couple of invisible scars. I try to reason with myself and say that at least it was a miscarriage at almost three months. Statistically speaking, it happens to a lot of families. And it could be worse. A lot worse.
That being said, I am happy. And I am healing. I even made a point to do things on our vacation in Michigan that I wouldn’t have otherwise been able to do while pregnant. I am sad for our loss but hopeful for our future. We’re blessed with a son who ignites almost every emotion within us – the deepest and brightest being unconditional love. So I suppose this post is my Oh Sweet Nuthin’ dance. And you know what? I think it is ending on a high note.